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The heart knows the answer.

A year ago, things hadn’t gone exactly as planned. In fact, ‘the plan’ crashed and burned in the most spectacular display of chainsmoking, shaking, shock and disbelief. And after an almost unhealthy dose of tears and disappointment for the loss of a fantasy, for the humiliation of having even taken such a blind risk for ‘love’, for having to face the failure. I remember repeatedly saying to myself “it’s just such bad timing!” (Right before my India trip!)

When I verbalised to a dear friend via a sobby WhatsApp message on the train to Heathrow, she responded with,

Maybe the timing IS RIGHT” 

And the penny dropped. The timing WAS right.

The heartbroken setback propelled me into the most glorious spiritual comeback. 

I doubted “the process” of this journey. Because YES! the heart needs a moment to just FEEL it all. The highs and the lows… But I’ll never doubt it again. It couldn’t have happened in any other combination or string of events.

A year ago today, when I thought it had all fallen apart ~ it was in fact a massive turning point, the dramatic climax that every incredible narrative must have before resolution begins.

I remember posting the following words on Facebook as I checked-in to my London-Dehli flight. This narration from an India-based movie that moved me sooo deeply, that I cried through and scribbled down many years beforehand.

This collection of truths at some point had sung out to me in one way or another. And on this day, a year ago I knew a tremendous shift was happening. I knew this because each and every line was relevant to me at that moment in time. 

The penny settled onto the Heathrow INTERNATIONAL terminal floor:

The only real failure is the failure to try.

And the measure of success is how we cope with disappointment. As we always must. All of us, in our different ways.

We get up every morning, we do our best. Nothing else matters. 

But it’s also true that the person who risks nothing, does nothing; has nothing. 

All we know about the future is that it will be different. But, perhaps what we fear is that it will be the same. 

So, we must celebrate the changes. 

Because, as someone once said, 

“Everything will be all right in the end. And if it’s not all right, then trust me, it’s not yet the end.” 

~ The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel.

 

The heart knows the answer.  And I trust it.

When the heart isn’t clear. The soul’s knowing will eventually shine through. I trust that.

And the Universe has a plan. I trust it.

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To your dear soul

It’s been nearly two years and you eventually visited me in my sleep. I really felt the connection. It was so real. But I felt like it was hard for you to come through and communicate at that frequency.

There were so many other people around. Giving gifts and money.
I looked up.
And walking toward me from my 1 o’clock there you were Les, finally.

I was surprised.
But you didn’t say anything.
Your face was calm and almost expressionless, neutral
I said “I didn’t think you were gonna come”
You still didn’t respond in words.
Your hair was long and very dark and you rested your head on my left shoulder and hugged me.
I put my arms around you and you put your arms under mine and your hands flat against my back. I feel like we stood as one.

And we stayed like that for a while. Or a moment. Or forever.
All I felt was relief.
I felt that you were tired as if it took a lot for you to get to me. And all you could do was hug me… but not talk.

But that’s alright. That’s all I needed. It’s all you needed. And I think that’s all you could manage too.

When everything comes through to me in my dreams I wondered why you couldn’t. I didn’t want to lose faith in something I believe in with all my heart. I convinced myself your soul had other more important work to do. And know I now that was true.

Soul connection at a higher frequency is something I have always believed in. With people on earth and beyond. Because I’ve experienced it and it’s an absolute truth for me… so it bothered me that you hadn’t. But at the same time I also knew you so well, and I know your soul is a young one and I think moving into different frequencies to communicate takes experience. Possibly even a lot of practice on the other side.
I felt as though it took a lot of work and focus for you to come through to me.

But YOU came.
YOU came when you were ready.
And I was more than ready too.

Let it what?

 It’s been a pretty universal “go to” phrase for about 2 years now. When things go wrong, when we are confronted with harsh realities or impressions we don’t want to face. When we want to climb over and sneak around an issue ~ the advice we are given and even, often, try giving ourselves & others is “let it go”

Oh… just let it go. 

Sounds simple to some ~ impossible to others but in my personal and witnessed experience, completely ineffective & therefore, self-defeating.

We’ve got it all wrong.

Let it go ~ How one’s meant to do this has always boggled my mind. I mean, surely if I had the choice of something affecting me mentally, emotionally, subconsciously I would choose for it not to. If we were robots we would of course push the OFF button. It’s neither choice nor mechanical programming which allows us to release what no longer served us.

We’ve got it all kinds of wrong.

Magically detaching from something that’s hurt, dissapointed, angered or broken you isn’t an option.

Asking yourself or advising someone to simply let this go is a recipe for resistance and frustration… and, well, failure. 

What you resist, persists. 
What you fight off or suppress ultimately comes back with gathered momentum and avengence. You can’t let something go that’s holding onto YOU in return.

Where did this wisely-stupidly-ill-informed phrase come from?

Fear. We fear going there. We fear sitting with unpleasant feelings and an unsettled mind. We think that if we talk ourselves or others into LETTING something GO it will ease up. When what we actually need to be told is to go through it.

Let it be.
A simple change of verb.

Let it be. 

Don’t be scared to process what you’re struggling with.

Yes … I do understand that sounds like a scarier method but if you realise that everything is temporary, everything is always changing, you’ll recognise that owning where you are and allowing yourself to be there, knowing it won’t always be this way, that it will pass through you ~ that’s a release in itself. You won’t feel this way forever.

Unless you resist it.

This goes for everything. Your joys and sorrows. Practising the art of stillness when we want to race through our suffering and pop up on the other other side, ideally, unscathed.

This is the journey of our souls growth and development. It takes us down as well as up, demands that we face, even embrace, pain and darkness as well as joy and light.

LETTING IT BE trains us to use whatever comes up and wherever we find ourselves as occasions for inquiry, for opening, for growing in strength and wisdom, and for walking (not running or dodging) our own path.

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Like a butterfly landing on your hand,… how long will it stay? No one knows. But you know it will lift off when it’s ready, when it’s given you the message it needed to give you and when you’ve opened up to receive it. 

What you do know is that it’ll be gone before you know it.

So, for now ~  Appreciate this moment for whatever it is and…

Let it be.

dancing on my own.

It all started at Bride&co one Friday afternoon, where “always a bridesmaid, never a bride” syndrome took the reigns…

I was having a fitting for one of my oldest friends weddings and at the same time supporting an old student in a wedding dress hunt.

She wanted my advice and asked me which dress I would choose.
I looked around at the rails and rails of mass produced shiney meringues ~

“HONESTLY? I wouldn’t take any of these FOR FREE”

As I said that, I caught a glimpse of lace and in all it’s simplicity was drawn to the single unimbelished dress in a fish-tail design which just so happened to be too beautiful for words, and a size 12, perfect for my pretty Libyan student. It fit her like a glove. I watched her whirl and swirl. In MY dress.

It didn’t take long before I hung up the bridesmaids dresses and snuck into the changeroom, with the lace gown, true “bridesmaid gone rogue” style and slipped it on…

Holding it tightly behind me to make it fit my size 8 frame, I walked out into the viewing room. My student’s jaw dropped (probably innitially horrified) as I stepped up onto the elevated platform infront of the mirror and turned just enough to swoosh the fish-tail perfectly.
As she snapped a sneaky photo, the manager came around the corner. And just as she’s trained to do and say, she uttered all the right sounds of approval and made all the right eyes- followed by “When’s the special day?”


“Oh. No no no… I’M not getting married… 
I don’t even have a boyfriend…” I said with a huge, proud grin.

Awkward silence.

… I’ll just stand here a little longer and absorb this princess moment. Unengaged. No Mom or future Mom-in-law or best friends gasping and weeping “That’s it! That’s the dress!”

Non of that. Just me and my reflection and my “fuck normal”mentality. Like… Who says that a competely and utterly single 31 year old has to wait for someone to love and accept her for all the glorious madness she is until she gets the opportunity to stand exquisitely beaming in a long lacey (or meringue-like) bridal gown and feel magnificent? Who says?

Insert [Independent woman rule #1]
YOU DON’T NEED A MAN
Do your thing honey!

Slot in all kinds of girl power anthems here: ‘Man! I feel like a woman’ – Shania Twain, ‘Girl on Fire’ – Alicia Keys, ‘Stronger’ – Kelly Clarkson, ‘Fight Song’ – Rachel Platten…

I left Bride&co feeling beautifully silly and liberated. I didn’t fear having put a jinx on my married/unmarried fate. I had simply broken the ice of anticipation for a moment that won’t make or break my life. I felt all powerful, complete and unstoppable.

(And if you’ve read any of my stories before, you’ll know what happens the moment I’m contently not falling in or recovering from love – when my heart is strong and unfuckwithable again… when I’m so okay in my own skin that I truly am not interested in men. You have an idea of what happens next, right?)

This energy carried me into the night. A friends birthday excitement led to a few tequillas and a little bit of carefree spontaneity. I was keen to dance and so was everyone else.

…and then, all of a sudden, the party animals were tired and wanting to wake up early on Saturday morning. On the first night in forever that I actually felt like being out and about. And with that, they went home. And with that – well – I didn’t.

I took myself to my favourite club, to my favourite platform a little above the dancefloor and without a second thought I was dancing… but not alone… AMONGST a sea of other dancers. Why would I stick out from the rest?

That’s a legitimate question I’m asking. Why would I have not looked like just another girl in the crowd? Why were people so drawn to me? Why was I being asked “Who are you here with?” by men and women alike?


“Just me”

“I’m seriously impressed, I never thought I’d meet a girl who’d have the guts to come to a club alone”

I smiled and shruggled (like it was the most normal thing in the world).

The energy I was emitting was clearly magnetic. And from the corner of my eyes, there were men, hovering…circling… I really didn’t give a shit, I was celebrating freedom from conformity – I didn’t want to talk, I didn’t want to be hit on with seedy remarks (as per usual), I was very happily dancing on my own.

And then like all predictable cliches, an equally magnetic boy with a cute as hell gap in his teeth comes around for the third time. I couldn’t help but show appreciation for his vibe with a slight smile and … damn, like with most male/female courting, that signals acceptance and submission and he came in for the kill.
Less aggressively than I’ve stated, much less in fact, he was a rather smooth cat. Like his hair.
“Who are you here with?”

“Just me”  
in my nonchalant manner.
(I found out later that he’d bailed on his mates and come alone too).
He brought me water, told me he’d been attracted to my energy from across the room and asked if he could take me for a milkshake soon.

I teased him about being gutsy enough to see me in the light, not realising the lights were already on in the bar, as it was closing time.
He saved my number in his phone as:

“××××…Worth it”

The following day one of my more freesprited friends told me SHE wouldn’t even be brave enough to go out dancing alone. Others expressed how much they’d love to be able to do it. And only then the realisation of how possessed I had been settled in. It was a pretty bold move and the residual effects were beaming.

What has followed this unusually satisfying day is a story for another time. But what I do know for sure is this:

The moment you stop looking. It finds you.
And I’m not speaking soley about love or the perfect man.
I am talking about that illusive inner contentment we all chase.

You can fake a smile and put on your brave face as we all have to ~ to get through the dips in this ride. But energy doesn’t lie. When that moment of TRUE self acceptance, universal love and gratitude hits you within – it radiates outward. It attracts other beautiful energies like a blossoming tree buzzing with bees.

And we can all agree that The Universe has pushed my buttons of late, pushed me into what felt like dark corners with names I wanted to forget being screamed in my face until I cracked ~ Taken me deeply through a process of seeking more (and finding it) and ultimately letting the light come in through the broken bits, and for all of that, I had one wish.

“I’m sick and tired of sexy men with ugly hearts.
I want to fall in love with someone’s kindness & compassion.
I want to fall in love with someone’s heart & soul.”

The Universe has made it clear to me.
(No matter what comes of this. No matter what comes next.)
The universe has one response.

“I’m listening”

‘live for today’

**taken from a voice note reflection at the end of September 2015, a few weeks before my best friend passed away & who had spent so much of her life wanting men she couldn’t have and suffering from rejection which brought her soft heart so much pain… so much emotional and ultimately physical pain that the doctors misdiagnosed her cancer until it was too late**

***

To ‘ live for today ’ sounds so irresponsible – it really does… and me, in my ‘touch wood’ healthy body, I don’t feel the need to make my timeline shorter and make things happen faster, or do things sooner because I ‘might not have enough time’.

you don’t think that way
nobody knows these things
but right now it’s all I’m doing, and everything is shifting into perspective
my friend is lying in a hospital on another continent and her life is potentially ending and all i can think about is what she’s thinking about now
Dear G*d, i wish i knew if she’s thinking about how stupid it has been to spend so much time worried about people who don’t give a shit about her, spending so much time stressed out and unhappy and consumed by someone who doesn’t deserve it for the fear of being alone. for what? how long?

we don’t know.

wouldn’t you rather be happy in your own skin, content alone, for as long as that might be – for as long as we’re blessed to be – rather than wasting a minute on someone who doesn’t appreciate you or ruins even one of the precious days you have?

I know it sounds so airy-fairy, so much easier said than done, but I’m really starting to think now, you know, I am… I’m putting stuff out there… I want to go to India – I WANT TO GO TO INDIA! and? what’s stopping me? what is actually stopping me?

NOTHING’S STOPPING ME
but I keep letting something stop me
I’ve got the money, I’m lucky enough to have some money to spend
I’ve always been a compulsive saver, saving up for a rainy day – saving for next year – saving for something better
Being cautious – saving for a future
and i don’t want to be pessimistic but I’m starting to feel that…well… I’m so much more aware of the fact i can’t count myself out any longer, I can’t say it’ll happen to somebody else, it won’t happen to me… Is that the way we live?

we just don’t know.

we spend so much time thinking about tomorrow
thinking about what we should say – what we could say
what we should do – what we want to do
problems – complications
we spend so much time planning… what’s the right move, the right next move and we always think that we have time, we assume that WE’LL be fine and nothing will happen to the people that WE love and WE’LL be safe
we think that we’ve got the time to question this, that and the other
we never think that this sort of thing will happen to us
we never think that we might not be here tomorrow
or that our loved ones won’t be here tomorrow

and now I’m thinking – if you knew that you had so little time left, what would you actually do?
Would you say everything you want to say? or would you put it off?
would you book that trip for next month? or would you push it into next year?
what would you do if you had to face the reality that you might not have the rest of your life, and those years that the rest of your life is expected to hold…

do you know?