It started with chai… 

Memories of my month in India this time last year~

Can’t wait to go back but also so grateful to that journey for the shift that took place… for the silence and time “alone” (Yet, never alone!) that spoke to me and inspired true and deep healing, growth & transformation.
Realising that when I left, I could find a way to take my piece (peace) of India with me and keep it forever ~ Feed it and nurture it and expand on it ~ was the key!

It started with the commitment to myself to keep up the daily ritual to make fresh masala chai every morning. Just as I learnt to in Pushkar, with the traditional pestle and mortar I bought there. Bashing together fresh ginger, black pepper, cardomen pods, cloves (And my added Western flavour, cinnamon sticks) and boil away with strong black tea, milk & lots of sugar.

This daily practice was sacred to me at the time. It reconnected me to a feeling, to a state of being, a presence, a mindfulness that I’d started to experience in India.

Realising that when I came home, I could find a way to build on the internal and spiritual work that started in India is what somehow led me to the Art of Living Organisation. And become a part of a group of beautiful humans who are also on the path of spiritual growth and expansion. My Monday group Kriya (mediation) is what centres and sets me up for my week.

I’ve recently started practicing Vinyasa yoga twice to three times a week and after a strenuous practice where mind, body and spirit merge into a central light, quietness and joy come so naturally. I spend at least an extra 7-10 minutes seated in stillness on my matt relishing in this glorious state of being and awareness.

Thank you India for really cementing this in me.

I never really knew why I had this INNER pull and longing to visit you for so many years… but *courage* is a love affair with The Unknown.

• Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of the things you really love • It will not lead you astray•
That I know for sure!

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The heart knows the answer.

A year ago, things hadn’t gone exactly as planned. In fact, ‘the plan’ crashed and burned in the most spectacular display of chainsmoking, shaking, shock and disbelief. And after an almost unhealthy dose of tears and disappointment for the loss of a fantasy, for the humiliation of having even taken such a blind risk for ‘love’, for having to face the failure. I remember repeatedly saying to myself “it’s just such bad timing!” (Right before my India trip!)

When I verbalised to a dear friend via a sobby WhatsApp message on the train to Heathrow, she responded with,

Maybe the timing IS RIGHT” 

And the penny dropped. The timing WAS right.

The heartbroken setback propelled me into the most glorious spiritual comeback. 

I doubted “the process” of this journey. Because YES! the heart needs a moment to just FEEL it all. The highs and the lows… But I’ll never doubt it again. It couldn’t have happened in any other combination or string of events.

A year ago today, when I thought it had all fallen apart ~ it was in fact a massive turning point, the dramatic climax that every incredible narrative must have before resolution begins.

I remember posting the following words on Facebook as I checked-in to my London-Dehli flight. This narration from an India-based movie that moved me sooo deeply, that I cried through and scribbled down many years beforehand.

This collection of truths at some point had sung out to me in one way or another. And on this day, a year ago I knew a tremendous shift was happening. I knew this because each and every line was relevant to me at that moment in time. 

The penny settled onto the Heathrow INTERNATIONAL terminal floor:

The only real failure is the failure to try.

And the measure of success is how we cope with disappointment. As we always must. All of us, in our different ways.

We get up every morning, we do our best. Nothing else matters. 

But it’s also true that the person who risks nothing, does nothing; has nothing. 

All we know about the future is that it will be different. But, perhaps what we fear is that it will be the same. 

So, we must celebrate the changes. 

Because, as someone once said, 

“Everything will be all right in the end. And if it’s not all right, then trust me, it’s not yet the end.” 

~ The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel.

 

The heart knows the answer.  And I trust it.

When the heart isn’t clear. The soul’s knowing will eventually shine through. I trust that.

And the Universe has a plan. I trust it.

To your dear soul

It’s been nearly two years and you eventually visited me in my sleep. I really felt the connection. It was so real. But I felt like it was hard for you to come through and communicate at that frequency.

There were so many other people around. Giving gifts and money.
I looked up.
And walking toward me from my 1 o’clock there you were Les, finally.

I was surprised.
But you didn’t say anything.
Your face was calm and almost expressionless, neutral
I said “I didn’t think you were gonna come”
You still didn’t respond in words.
Your hair was long and very dark and you rested your head on my left shoulder and hugged me.
I put my arms around you and you put your arms under mine and your hands flat against my back. I feel like we stood as one.

And we stayed like that for a while. Or a moment. Or forever.
All I felt was relief.
I felt that you were tired as if it took a lot for you to get to me. And all you could do was hug me… but not talk.

But that’s alright. That’s all I needed. It’s all you needed. And I think that’s all you could manage too.

When everything comes through to me in my dreams I wondered why you couldn’t. I didn’t want to lose faith in something I believe in with all my heart. I convinced myself your soul had other more important work to do. And know I now that was true.

Soul connection at a higher frequency is something I have always believed in. With people on earth and beyond. Because I’ve experienced it and it’s an absolute truth for me… so it bothered me that you hadn’t. But at the same time I also knew you so well, and I know your soul is a young one and I think moving into different frequencies to communicate takes experience. Possibly even a lot of practice on the other side.
I felt as though it took a lot of work and focus for you to come through to me.

But YOU came.
YOU came when you were ready.
And I was more than ready too.

A Father’s Day.

One-day I want kids

And I want those kids to have a dad who’s their hero

I want him to be my hero too

Not in the sense of needing to be saved in any way
But wanting someone who always would be able to
And ultimately someone who is looked up to, adored and trusted completely

One-day I do want kids
And I want them to have parents who are so in love with eachother they say it’s gross but on the inside feel such security and love

I want mother’s day and father’s day to be celebrated equally.
I want to celebrate that I created a family and chose for my babies, the best dad.

I want nothing less than that.
A hero or nothing at all.
Everyday.
Forever.
Universe hear me.

a birthday reflection

This time last year I was so riddled with anxiety to the point that my gift to myself on my birthday was to give myself permission to start smoking again… after having given up almost a year before that. (I shudder at the memory & the warped mentality).

I didn’t want to struggle through my days anymore. And I thought it was my “easy way out”.
What I know NOW is it was simply opening the door to a vicious cycle of generating and feeding this anxiety monster & growing it bigger and stronger within me.

Through a rollercoaster journey around Europe to the UK, from India back home ~ a whole year after that dreadfully weak moment, I have found an inner calm, peace and comfort through a combination of my different weekly practices that frees me from outside influences and stresses ~ a shield of energy which negativity can’t penetrate & simply bounces off. A place where joy and gratitude reside.

I quit smoking 7 months ago and I will never ever pick up a cigarette again. I AM FREE. This is a gift of respect I give to myself and my human form.

》I am grateful for LIFE, for my life, for the privilege of another year and celebrating another birthday.《

I’m grateful for those who have come into my life and taught me a lot…
and honestly, I’m just as grateful for the ones who walked out, they have given me the practice.

I’m grateful to my spirit for being my greatest teacher.

I’m grateful for my inner fire that refuses to go out and … for being a searcher. I’m grateful to the Universe for allowing me to find MORE. (Just a glimpse is enough.)

And although everything is temporary and EVERYTHING is always changing… (The past has left it’s lessons behind and it’s a part of who I am today and the future is just an intention I’ve set of where I may be heading)… I’m grateful for the NOW I have.

It’s in all of us.
The ability to go inward, eliminate negativity, find beauty and a sense of peace & greater, deeper understanding (that I’m not yet able to but words to).
It’s not easy, as our already programmed minds WILL fight us, but if you have the longing and the courage ~ you’ll see it through and cultivate the discipline to maintain this lighter and higher level of consciousness.

This is my gift to myself (via Universal intervention) and through me to you…
All I want to do is share it ~

Let’s all do that.

Thanks for reading ♡
Love & Light

Namaste.

  P.S Thank you Universe.

Let it what?

 It’s been a pretty universal “go to” phrase for about 2 years now. When things go wrong, when we are confronted with harsh realities or impressions we don’t want to face. When we want to climb over and sneak around an issue ~ the advice we are given and even, often, try giving ourselves & others is “let it go”

Oh… just let it go. 

Sounds simple to some ~ impossible to others but in my personal and witnessed experience, completely ineffective & therefore, self-defeating.

We’ve got it all wrong.

Let it go ~ How one’s meant to do this has always boggled my mind. I mean, surely if I had the choice of something affecting me mentally, emotionally, subconsciously I would choose for it not to. If we were robots we would of course push the OFF button. It’s neither choice nor mechanical programming which allows us to release what no longer served us.

We’ve got it all kinds of wrong.

Magically detaching from something that’s hurt, dissapointed, angered or broken you isn’t an option.

Asking yourself or advising someone to simply let this go is a recipe for resistance and frustration… and, well, failure. 

What you resist, persists. 
What you fight off or suppress ultimately comes back with gathered momentum and avengence. You can’t let something go that’s holding onto YOU in return.

Where did this wisely-stupidly-ill-informed phrase come from?

Fear. We fear going there. We fear sitting with unpleasant feelings and an unsettled mind. We think that if we talk ourselves or others into LETTING something GO it will ease up. When what we actually need to be told is to go through it.

Let it be.
A simple change of verb.

Let it be. 

Don’t be scared to process what you’re struggling with.

Yes … I do understand that sounds like a scarier method but if you realise that everything is temporary, everything is always changing, you’ll recognise that owning where you are and allowing yourself to be there, knowing it won’t always be this way, that it will pass through you ~ that’s a release in itself. You won’t feel this way forever.

Unless you resist it.

This goes for everything. Your joys and sorrows. Practising the art of stillness when we want to race through our suffering and pop up on the other other side, ideally, unscathed.

This is the journey of our souls growth and development. It takes us down as well as up, demands that we face, even embrace, pain and darkness as well as joy and light.

LETTING IT BE trains us to use whatever comes up and wherever we find ourselves as occasions for inquiry, for opening, for growing in strength and wisdom, and for walking (not running or dodging) our own path.

IMG_20170409_115028_641

Like a butterfly landing on your hand,… how long will it stay? No one knows. But you know it will lift off when it’s ready, when it’s given you the message it needed to give you and when you’ve opened up to receive it. 

What you do know is that it’ll be gone before you know it.

So, for now ~  Appreciate this moment for whatever it is and…

Let it be.

dancing on my own.

It all started at Bride&co one Friday afternoon, where “always a bridesmaid, never a bride” syndrome took the reigns…

I was having a fitting for one of my oldest friends weddings and at the same time supporting an old student in a wedding dress hunt.

She wanted my advice and asked me which dress I would choose.
I looked around at the rails and rails of mass produced shiney meringues ~

“HONESTLY? I wouldn’t take any of these FOR FREE”

As I said that, I caught a glimpse of lace and in all it’s simplicity was drawn to the single unimbelished dress in a fish-tail design which just so happened to be too beautiful for words, and a size 12, perfect for my pretty Libyan student. It fit her like a glove. I watched her whirl and swirl. In MY dress.

It didn’t take long before I hung up the bridesmaids dresses and snuck into the changeroom, with the lace gown, true “bridesmaid gone rogue” style and slipped it on…

Holding it tightly behind me to make it fit my size 8 frame, I walked out into the viewing room. My student’s jaw dropped (probably innitially horrified) as I stepped up onto the elevated platform infront of the mirror and turned just enough to swoosh the fish-tail perfectly.
As she snapped a sneaky photo, the manager came around the corner. And just as she’s trained to do and say, she uttered all the right sounds of approval and made all the right eyes- followed by “When’s the special day?”


“Oh. No no no… I’M not getting married… 
I don’t even have a boyfriend…” I said with a huge, proud grin.

Awkward silence.

… I’ll just stand here a little longer and absorb this princess moment. Unengaged. No Mom or future Mom-in-law or best friends gasping and weeping “That’s it! That’s the dress!”

Non of that. Just me and my reflection and my “fuck normal”mentality. Like… Who says that a competely and utterly single 31 year old has to wait for someone to love and accept her for all the glorious madness she is until she gets the opportunity to stand exquisitely beaming in a long lacey (or meringue-like) bridal gown and feel magnificent? Who says?

Insert [Independent woman rule #1]
YOU DON’T NEED A MAN
Do your thing honey!

Slot in all kinds of girl power anthems here: ‘Man! I feel like a woman’ – Shania Twain, ‘Girl on Fire’ – Alicia Keys, ‘Stronger’ – Kelly Clarkson, ‘Fight Song’ – Rachel Platten…

I left Bride&co feeling beautifully silly and liberated. I didn’t fear having put a jinx on my married/unmarried fate. I had simply broken the ice of anticipation for a moment that won’t make or break my life. I felt all powerful, complete and unstoppable.

(And if you’ve read any of my stories before, you’ll know what happens the moment I’m contently not falling in or recovering from love – when my heart is strong and unfuckwithable again… when I’m so okay in my own skin that I truly am not interested in men. You have an idea of what happens next, right?)

This energy carried me into the night. A friends birthday excitement led to a few tequillas and a little bit of carefree spontaneity. I was keen to dance and so was everyone else.

…and then, all of a sudden, the party animals were tired and wanting to wake up early on Saturday morning. On the first night in forever that I actually felt like being out and about. And with that, they went home. And with that – well – I didn’t.

I took myself to my favourite club, to my favourite platform a little above the dancefloor and without a second thought I was dancing… but not alone… AMONGST a sea of other dancers. Why would I stick out from the rest?

That’s a legitimate question I’m asking. Why would I have not looked like just another girl in the crowd? Why were people so drawn to me? Why was I being asked “Who are you here with?” by men and women alike?


“Just me”

“I’m seriously impressed, I never thought I’d meet a girl who’d have the guts to come to a club alone”

I smiled and shruggled (like it was the most normal thing in the world).

The energy I was emitting was clearly magnetic. And from the corner of my eyes, there were men, hovering…circling… I really didn’t give a shit, I was celebrating freedom from conformity – I didn’t want to talk, I didn’t want to be hit on with seedy remarks (as per usual), I was very happily dancing on my own.

And then like all predictable cliches, an equally magnetic boy with a cute as hell gap in his teeth comes around for the third time. I couldn’t help but show appreciation for his vibe with a slight smile and … damn, like with most male/female courting, that signals acceptance and submission and he came in for the kill.
Less aggressively than I’ve stated, much less in fact, he was a rather smooth cat. Like his hair.
“Who are you here with?”

“Just me”  
in my nonchalant manner.
(I found out later that he’d bailed on his mates and come alone too).
He brought me water, told me he’d been attracted to my energy from across the room and asked if he could take me for a milkshake soon.

I teased him about being gutsy enough to see me in the light, not realising the lights were already on in the bar, as it was closing time.
He saved my number in his phone as:

“××××…Worth it”

The following day one of my more freesprited friends told me SHE wouldn’t even be brave enough to go out dancing alone. Others expressed how much they’d love to be able to do it. And only then the realisation of how possessed I had been settled in. It was a pretty bold move and the residual effects were beaming.

What has followed this unusually satisfying day is a story for another time. But what I do know for sure is this:

The moment you stop looking. It finds you.
And I’m not speaking soley about love or the perfect man.
I am talking about that illusive inner contentment we all chase.

You can fake a smile and put on your brave face as we all have to ~ to get through the dips in this ride. But energy doesn’t lie. When that moment of TRUE self acceptance, universal love and gratitude hits you within – it radiates outward. It attracts other beautiful energies like a blossoming tree buzzing with bees.

And we can all agree that The Universe has pushed my buttons of late, pushed me into what felt like dark corners with names I wanted to forget being screamed in my face until I cracked ~ Taken me deeply through a process of seeking more (and finding it) and ultimately letting the light come in through the broken bits, and for all of that, I had one wish.

“I’m sick and tired of sexy men with ugly hearts.
I want to fall in love with someone’s kindness & compassion.
I want to fall in love with someone’s heart & soul.”

The Universe has made it clear to me.
(No matter what comes of this. No matter what comes next.)
The universe has one response.

“I’m listening”