finding peace

Someone told me something today that just made sense, she said “you need to find peace…”

(as many have said this week but I didn’t absorb it because FINDING PEACE is too big, TOO complex to get my head around. It’s an overwhelming concept and feels unattainable) but she followed with “as often as you can”

YOU NEED TO FIND PEACE AS OFTEN AS YOU CAN

It’s not a constant thing that happens and is simply done. It’s a daily journey, moment to moment. Sometimes we’ll feel it, sometimes we won’t. But it’s what we should strive for…

IN ANY WAY WE CAN

Day by day

Step by step

facing the unfaceable

just a few months ago we told each other
we don’t know what we would do without each other
I was so grateful that that wasn’t so
to have a bond of friendship that stretches all our lives
to share our deepest secrets
our most truthful lies

we kept our hearts strong
through lifes battles, confusing haze
through each others faith and guidance
through each others praise
we are each others biggest supporters
we said we’d look back one-day
and laugh at our fears of the future
our silly childlike ways

‘we will never be grown ups’ we always say
we kept wishing and wishing these years away

I’ve listened to your voice and trusted every word
all we ever wanted was ultimate happiness for each other
to stand by me on my wedding day
you joked that you’ll still be single
I joked that you’ll catch the bouquet

all we wanted was to be mommy’s
you said you’ll do it alone if you could
we said we’d bring them up together
if only we still lived in the same neighbourhood

we’d make a plan – you said we would

to see you meeting the man of your dreams
to see you holding your first child
it all seemed so far away
we’ll always be children in each others eyes
playing Miss World
eating banana gelato
creating dances

you were the princess – I was the clown
telling stories of our “one day”

I need you to be there for me my friend
who will I turn to if you’re not near?
just a few months ago this would have been impossible
the pain you were suffering wasn’t clear

I’m trying find words were they’re no words
trying to face the unfaceable
how do I look back on our lives for the both of us?
I can’t imagine life without you here

rise again

When my heart is broken I retreat, I close up and I cocoon myself. Surround myself with a protective isolating shell, and I feel it. I go there.

Healing, truly healing from any ordeal is about being present, not being scared to sit with your emotions and over time real, raw processing happens.
Is it pretty? No way!
Does it feel never ending? At times, yes.
Does it fade? Absolutely.

Many people had told me to distract myself, to do ‘other’ things, those mysterious activities that some people do that make them disconnect from…THEIR HEART… They recommended SUPPRESSION. And it amazed me… and it was never going to happen

Healing takes time. And time always stands still when you loose someone – which ultimately is a part of yourself.

“sometimes you just have to die a little inside in order to be reborn and rise again as a stronger and wiser version of you”

I’m coming out of my daze of heart-wrenching confusion. I had more than enough to process. I had to properly mourn the death of my step father. I had to mourn the death of a destructive and deceptive relationship which had been my distraction. I had to recognise that the line of who I was missing was completely blurred. I had to forgive myself for what I had let happen, for how I let myself be treated for the 6 months prior, I had to show myself compassion for being caught at a vulnerable time and not beat myself up for being taken advantage of.
I had to accept that when my step dad died – a part of me died, I had been a warrior for so long and I had no fight left – my fire went out.
And it’s okay.

I had to still love him, despite not knowing why he left.
I had to miss him, the good parts I couldn’t forget
I had to hate him, when some pieces fell into place.
I had to battle with inner-conflict, silence versus ‘let him have it’
I had to come to terms with a question-mark for resolution
I had to forgive him, for being on a different spiritual path to me
And every day still I have to keep letting go

But mostly, I had to make peace with regret

I’ve been round in circles thinking of how I would have done things differently, how I wish I could turn back time and have had the guts to say what I should have said.
A never ending daydream, I played out the scenes in every possible way
I regretted everything

I can’t swallow regret, I can’t live with the bitterness

Then the trusty voice of reason pipes up with, ‘I made the best choice I could make with the information I had at hand at the time, I learnt a lesson and it got me to where I am now, so I should never regret it.’

However, the inability to experience regret is actually one of the diagnostic characteristics of sociopaths and the characteristics of certain brain damage. Feeling regret means you’re a healthy fully-functional human. So, that’s comforting, isn’t it?

That makes sense. I am living in a way that comes naturally to me, but seems different from how I have been before. I’ve been wondering why I am feeling better, but yet, not exactly myself. I wondered if I would ever be the same again.
The simple answer, NO.

The rebirth is painful. But with it comes renewed insight that has penetrated deep into your soul. I’ve accepted that I won’t ever be that version of myself again, the part that was crushed won’t return, the change may be subtle but the knowledge was scary to me. After all, it’s an evolution that’s unavoidable. If you allow yourself to go there.

My goal in life is to be present. It’s about making choices, deciding what to do with your time and energy and then FULLY being there. A part of being present, besides being in the moment, is being true to the moment – going where the present takes you. Even if it’s difficult or not fun, being willing to go down that road and come out the other side…you have to take the good with the bad. THAT’S when you really grow.

Go through it. Go there.

Because maybe

Maybe it is time for me to ask all the questions ~ Maybe after all this time you won’t feel obliged to give sugary dishonest answers

If only you knew how the anger is killing me

If only you knew what you’ve really and truly done to me

I don’t care what you did anymore I just want clarity

Because I’m trying to keep my pride but breaking up inside

I can’t make sense of how your heart just stopped

How you’ve never felt the truth would set me free

I’m still waiting for that penny to drop

Because I can’t stomach your cruelty – what a dangerous combination such a pretty face and ugly heart can be

What I want to know is if my healing will come from your answers. . . Because if not then I will sit with this sadness and confusion til it runs its course

Silence is power, I thought I knew that for sure but in my own intimate power struggle

I am tortured once more

Because l’m damaged. I’m holding onto so much pain

So deeply wounded I don’t feel like I will ever recognise myself again

Because maybe you changed me

Maybe it is time for me to ask all the questions ~ Maybe after all this time you won’t feel obliged to give sugary dishonest answers

If only you knew how the anger is killing me

If only you knew what you’ve really and truly done to me

Because I don’t care what you did anymore ~ Maybe I just need  some clarity

your little black heart

Almost a year ago I met you, and how deeply I wish I never had.

Although at the time I was so grateful, that while the universe had taken something from me, it had replaced it with something else . . . (to my devastation and dismay as well as some months later). . . only to rip it away ~

Since the day you left, I’ve wondered why you even came into my life, why you lifted me up then slowly chipped away at my defences until you shamelessly broke me down

But it’s actually quite simple, really ~

I was an easy target for a predator like you; who lives on nothing but your own selfish instinct, greed and hunger. I had no fight left ~ Boy, you did well

Well done on hunting someone already wounded
Congrats on winning the lying game with the most honest person you’ve ever met
2 thumbs up to you for shattering someone who was already broken

I’m sure your little black heart is proud

[~ deep down, something told me you were going to hurt: If nothing else, I’ve learnt to trust my intuition ~ I trusted you, I thought I saw your heart: you took my kindness for weakness and used every last drop]

fortune favours the brave

Recently I have been hearing alot of “you are so lucky, you are so lucky, you are so lucky” and I can’t just swallow that that easily…

 I say “you make your own luck”

Where I am and what I am doing didn’t come easy. It all came out of a desperate search to find some happiness again. Each week has its challenges and I am not living some perfect existence but taking the good with the bad is life and a good life is when there is much more good than bad, and I am grateful everyday that I am able to see the places I am seeing.

Traveling for me is the most inspiring experience. but It really isn’t luck where I am, I made it happen. I made this happen. i took a chance. I said YES to opportunities. i fought with the safe and sensible side of myself. That’s what happens when we are brave. So that’s why I don’t really like the whole “you are so lucky” comment, it cheapens the process, it makes it seem like this all just fell into my lap…

Oh no my dear… Oh no it didn’t…

But chatting to a friend the other day I got a bit of clarity on the mentality of people who tell me how lucky I am, because she was completely honest with me, and she is one of those people. She explained that i am lucky to be naturally brave, and I guess that is true. Although my courage has had it’s seasons and I have had to keep stoking the fire, which can and maybe did ALMOST ALMOST ALMOST go out.

I crave adventure and that hunger is a blessing as well as a curse. But to the people who sit there and dream of something different, something beautiful and something new – remember you have to dream of something scary,exciting and unknown too – its all apart of the same package. you need a spoonful of faith but a solid dose of courage that YOU can only find within yourself. I don’t know if everyone has it. But you never know, you might surprise yourself.

I don’t know if my friend is right and if I indeed have more bravery than others BUT it is true that fortune favours the brave, because these incredible experiences/surprises/opportunities only present themselves when you’ve stepped outside your comfort zone.

What DOES  make sense to me is that courage is a love affair with the unknown …

And that IS me

and I’m head-over-heals in love

flying solo

My adventure is revealing itself more and more as a lesson in being alone.
Yes obviously I came over here alone, so why am I surprised, but you always think people will find you or you will find people sooner or later. . .

Obviously the language gap is isolating to start with, even surrounded by people I often can’t really keep up with the Italian conversation. There is a delay in my translating in my brain so quite often when I have worked out what one stream of words mean and bring my focus back to the conversation happening around me, it’s moved on and I either continue with this translation game in my head or zone out and sit in my own little world. So okay, that explains that. I think.

But the solo challenge seems to be what my experience is calling for these days. Last night was a challenge in itself, I attempted to hike up the volcano on this island. Something I have spent 2 weeks getting my mind ready for, unfortunately I neglected to get my body physically ready and stupidly imagined I would magically hop-didoo to the top !!!

Ummm. No.
I tried really hard, but started to really lag behind just past half way up and had to be abandoned by my group. Left sitting alone on the side of a volcano with a combination of sweat and tears rolling down my cheeks and sliding down my neck. It took me about 15 minutes to come to terms with my failure, forgive myself and see what this sudden ‘change of plan’ meant for my experience.

Turns out I wouldn’t have it any other way, how often in my life have I allowed myself such isolation. I wouldn’t ever ask for it. I thrive on people and company around me, especially for motivation. But here on this tiny island there isn’t anyone who means anything to me, so why should I hike up to the top with strangers who don’t give enough of a damn to slow the pace down a bit for me!?!
They did me a favour leaving me by myself with the simple instruction ” get down before the sun sets”
Okay I said, miserable and deflated. But soon after they left and I sat watching the sun setting to my right and an erupting volcano to the left and thought, quite honestly, “f@?# that”I sat in silence listening to the rumbling tummy of Stromboli and every 25minutes or so a puff of smoke and explosion of rocks tumbled down to hit the sea in a glorious splash and sizzle.

When the sun has set is when the magic happens, the puffs of black cloud disappear and replacing them are bright red fireworks of hot volcanic rocks and lava. It’s completely surreal.

Once I got my fix, had my romantic sunset picnic for one, I switched on my headlamp and started the 2 hour trek back home, in gorgeous silence and quite eery darkness. And I thought to myself, I resisted this. I resisted and resisted and continued up that bloody volcano until my legs just couldn’t anymore, and that’s the way it was meant to be.

I was meant to have this unique one-on-one experience with this volcano, this incredible creation of Mother Nature.

I so desperately saw it as failure at first,
But now I see how when things don’t go as planned its often just so that the Universe can give you something better, that you would never have had the guts to plan yourself, … That’s where the magic lies…

I am becoming more and more comfortable with doing and experiencing life by myself…. I’m keeping myself very good company indeed.