Day 2: Yoga/Meditation

There was quite a sound track to my yoga lessons today. This morning was booming thunder and pouring rain and this evening was chanting and firecrackers. Welcome to India. My evening class came to a standstill when I looked up and saw the walls of the yoga room had turned luminous orange, we looked out to see the most beautiful sunset.  I felt incredible after yoga today, while eating another beautiful Indian dinner.

Another highlight of the day was sharing my shower with a frog who I very nearly stood on (however, could’ve been said-frogs’ brother) as I was walking out my room a little later on. The family I’m staying with saw me doing the highland-fling, all legs and arms all over the place. Frog lives to fight another day. I nearly broke my neck.

Also, went to do some traditional stick dancing this evening with Deepa, her friends and her daughter who held my hand all the way there and back, chatting away in English and reciting Justin Bieber lyrics… I grabbed a Mars bar from the vendor in town after dancing and inhaled it, don’t feel healthy anymore. it’s not like me to crave chocolate or consume the entire bar but I guess I’m having sugar withdrawals of some sort.

I’m supposed to be practicing my new meditation technique which apparently takes the mind from a beta to alpha state, called the humming bee. Ears blocked and hum. For 10 to 15 minutes, noticing the breath (in for 6, out for 6) then apparently the mind should be quiet and clear for meditation. But I don’t really have the energy for it now…. There’s quite a bit of activity happening in the house, perhaps I’ll focus on that tomorrow.

I’ve also broken a personal record of not washing my hair for 3 days, 3 days not being the record in a normal work week but consider 35 degree humidity and sweat and add 4 yoga sessions…. I may wash it tomorrow, if I have time… 😉

finding peace

Someone told me something today that just made sense, she said “you need to find peace…”

(as many have said this week but I didn’t absorb it because FINDING PEACE is too big, TOO complex to get my head around. It’s an overwhelming concept and feels unattainable) but she followed with “as often as you can”

YOU NEED TO FIND PEACE AS OFTEN AS YOU CAN

It’s not a constant thing that happens and is simply done. It’s a daily journey, moment to moment. Sometimes we’ll feel it, sometimes we won’t. But it’s what we should strive for…

IN ANY WAY WE CAN

Day by day

Step by step

do not let your fire go out

I have mentioned before that what inspires me, encourages me and keeps me brave are little quotes or saying that find me. They become my mantras for a day, a week, a month, sometimes they stay with me for longer. The following quote by Ayn Rand (a Russian author from the 1950’s) is what has fueled me for the the last few weeks and I think I am starting to really realise the power of a mantra, a positive thought, of a repetitive positive thought. These words were made for me, they are what I needed to continue the battle and not lie down and play dead so easily… And with this mind set, I have taken the next step.

twenty seconds of courage

Towards the end of last year I heard a quote in the trailer for a beautiful film called, “We bought a Zoo”. Even though my mind was so fragile at that point and I wasn’t feeling optimistic about anything, it made sense to me. It felt like the words reached out and spoke directly to me. To this day I believe it was the sign that I needed to be brave again.

My twenty seconds of courage approach didn’t begin the day I said yes to going to South East Asia. Talk is cheap, I knew this, and the follow through was the real risk, the real courage.

But the moment I sat in front of my computer – having selected my Kuala Lumpur Return flights I had to pause for a second, or more like twenty seconds… my heart racing with fear and excitement.

“Am I being irresponsible? Why then is my heart ready to burst with joy? All I need is twenty seconds of courage, and I promise you something great will come of it” I told myself.

I clicked ‘BOOK FLIGHTS’ on the online Emirates website and there was a pause, the page hesitated and then flicked to ‘Your booking has been confirmed’ and I sat quietly with a knowing smile and then burst into squeals of laughter. Happiness. It just took twenty seconds to make the decision, to take the bold brave step to press the button and it changed my life completely.

Three months later, sitting on the beach watching my first Cambodian sunset, with a Singapore Sling in my hand – once again these words fluttered through my mind. I smiled, that same reassuring smile; I was at peace. Back on the right track to putting myself back together again – the way I wanted to be together.

I have applied the twenty seconds of courage rule to a few big decisions that scared me BUT that my soul said ‘yes’ to, over the last 6 months. A group of friends and I sat and watched ‘We bought a Zoo’ a few months after I got back from my trip, we couldn’t wait to see the film that helped me throw myself back into life and I hope it inspired them too.

Now, those of you who read this, who have experienced twenty seconds of courage or who now, plan to – share your inspiration!

start afresh

It’s what you see in movies, the broken hearteds life crashes down around him or her (more often than not, it’s a her) and after the never ending stream of tears, the journey into the darkest deepest most hopeless hole, (I’m not sure if it’s a voice or it its just our own desperate attempt to save ourselves) – something inside says ‘start afresh’  . . .  when all seems to be lost, it’s the perfect opportunity to throw caution to the wind and ‘start afresh… you have nothing to loose, shake life up a bit !!’

That’s what I did. What I am doing. I am known to be pretty extreme. Extremely happy, extremely sad, extremely open/confused/tough/weak – from one month to the next, from one week or one moment to the next. I’ve been created as a highly sensitive being. Life AFFECTS me. The good, the bad, I feel it for all it is. And something I lost over the last few years was my spontaneity, my fearlessness. That constant rushing through my veins reminding me ‘don’t take life so seriously, don’t think so far ahead… Live, see the world, what you love the most is the experience, so EXPERIENCE.’

 

As a self-proclaimed ‘traveler’, I knew the decision to head off to South East Asia would do what travelling does to me. It would invigorate my soul, send me off into a glorious daydream, make me feel like I can do anything I set my mind to. Travel makes me feel untouchable! It fuels this fire in me that slowly fades away after a few years of being stagnant and trying to live the stock standard responsible life.

So I did what not all people are fortunate enough, brave enough, or just plain mad enough to do. I resigned from my job and jumped ship to go ‘find myself’ in another country. I still have to smile when I think of the concept of finding ones self …  those words are thrown around so carelessly. But I knew I had the opportunity to change my life, besides my heart that was wrecked beyond recognition, I had not been comfortable with settling into the ‘safe’ approach to life and I was given an ‘out’.  I had to take it.

Cambodia and Vietnam are hidden treasures of the world.  And out of every continent or country I needed to be, Cambodia and Vietnam was it. As I expected, I came home high as a kite (No, not the same high as when I left Amsterdam) just wanting to hop onto the next plane out. The opportunities and endless possibilities overwhelmed me…

Fresh starts sound glamorous, in the movies they always are. They are seductive and exciting and limitless… When you are free to do WHATEVER you want, where on earth do you start? What the hell do you choose?

So began, what I have come to know as, ‘the fear of f*cking up the fresh start’ phobia!!! This took me a while to get my head around. So much to do, so little time, where do I even begin. I can’t mess my new life up!!

But having time to reflect inward, to be available with an open mind and heart I have started to see those opportunities I would never have been able to imagine prior to my trip.

Cambodia and Vietnam saved my life. I am now being guided by little signs, those crazy coincidences, the persistent voice that through the mad noise of silence says ‘You ARE doing the right thing, don’t rush things, just trust yourself’ and following MY process.

Only you know what YOU need. Are you brave enough to give it a chance? A new fresh start is exciting, but flippin scary. Can you wipe your slate clean, forgive yourself for messing up the first attempt and try again?

Some choose to hold onto what they know, something stable in insecure times.

Apparently, that’s not me.